For the past few months especially and also really for much of these past few years, I was battling a whole lot of thoughts and that along with family stuff was a whole lot.
I learned something new yesterday about myself, I have been drawn to this Bible verse about being “fearfully and wonderfully made,” for months and months, maybe years and I share it with people I love, all the time, in hopes that they will see what I see, when I see them and I mean really intentionally see them. However, yesterday I heard a deeper definition of those two words and it helped me completely shift my choices to care for myself and step forward to do what a friend had encouraged when we spoke about a month ago. Only no more halfway energy, but really do the work to get where I really want to be and own it. I have been struggling with perfectionism for most of my life, but thought I had shifted away from it. Unfortunately, I realized it was still active and for a long time and lately it had caused me to freeze up in my whole life; not just in my creativity.
This week I wanted to paint and picked up my brushes and painted my brother’s plane. It was all wrong and I actually got very upset because it was so wrong perspectively, that it just didn’t even work at all. I realized I failed at something I love to do so much and sat there looking at that painting and finally cried and cried. I couldn’t get past thoughts of failure in order to begin again. Then I decided that is it, I am skilled at watercolor and I love it so much that one mistake doesn’t get to ruin me as a whole, and I made a decision while processing with my friend Kelly, to begin again and really pay attention to lines and perspective this time. Only, I couldn’t seem to sit back down and actually put brush to canvas again. Until, I heard what my prayer counselor said to me and then she sent me a page with the words written(it is written below inside of quotes) to share with me so I could read it and save it for reflection. She reminded me that the Bible says: “I’m fearfully and wonderfully made.” She elaborated a bit with the dictionary meaning and some spiritual input, but the main words I needed to hear were the differences of EXCELLENCE and PERFECTIONISM and they are most definitely not the same. I’ve been taught about this before but something about how the words were written here with the revelation of the dictionary meanings right there changed everything for how I was able to receive it. Excellence: has the built in ability to be allowed to fail so you get to learn and try again with more knowledge. Perfectionism: is really all or nothing, once you fail once or twice you just feel defeated. It caused me to feel so defeated that I would actually consider giving up.
Oh friends, it is so crazy to learn this in this already crazy year of 2020. How a simple shift in a definition or a word can cause your whole world mentally and emotionally to be empowered by a simple choice not to allow failure to take us out, and instead to learn from it and start again with more knowledge. For me that gave me the answer I needed.
Before I heard this I cried over that painting it felt like a seemingly devastating failure. One day later equipped with new knowledge, I sat back down and finished a new entire painting, knowing it is ok to fail and it isn’t the end of the world and wouldn’t you know it, it worked out beautifully that second time.
I have a whole list of commissions and because life had been so incredibly complicated for so long, I was weary and struggling to muster creativity of any kind lately, and between the encouraging tools a friend from Booty Bands®️ & Barbells had mentioned and this new understanding and knowing it isn’t failure to start over with modifications even for exercise. Right where I am today, it is totally ok to love myself and to believe in myself and no matter what is going on around me, I still get to make lots of choices, sometimes good or sometimes bad and it is ok because I get to make the choice to shift and do it better and better each and every next time.
It is a brand new day and I have an empty palette 🎨 ready to be filled with whatever dreams and visions come to light. Working on commissioned paintings for those of you who have been praying for me and waiting patiently, thank you and much love.
Exciting day with a brand new shift in my understanding, and I know it will be a good day no matter what it looks like.
Blessings and Love My Friends!❤️
Here is what was sent to me:
“FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE
Designed with careful respect, EXCELLENCE, particularly detailed, highly esteemed, with great quality, proper acceptance and acknowledgement, honored, favored.
Privileged position, a place from where we can see, notice, discern between good and evil, life and death and choose which we will serve.
EXCELLENCE, awesome, overwhelmed with amazement = astonishing and astounding, phenomenal= highly extraordinary beyond the usual you think you are, unique.
Curious= eager to learn, inquisitive, prepared for and with effective skill.
Made with painstaking accuracy and attention, marked by intricacy.
Perfectionism – Worldly Standard : A personal standard, attitude, or philosophy that demands perfection and rejects anything less. In perfectionism we set a goal for which we must not fail. We try, try, try, fail, beat ourselves up, quit, or go on trying with a record of wrongs attached to our efforts producing regret.
EXCELLENCE: Designed with built-in ability to reach highest potential. This excellence includes failure. Failure is built into the plan. Opportunity to choose a goal considering, in advance, failure as an experience of learning and forgiving then choose to get up and reach again wiser than we began. Choose, accomplish, fail, forgive, choose again… without regret. Failure is built into the plan.
We are handmade and wonderfully complex according to Psalm 139:14. We are set apart.
– Wellspring Ministries, Anchorage, Alaska”
Blog Post written by Joy Lynn McCavit